Messy

Many days, I feel like my life is on full display.  In the past few months, I've gone from feeling generally liked to knowing full well that people are talking about me and judging us.  I have been blocked by a couple people on Facebook; I have been unfriended and unfollowed; I have learned that information we never shared has somehow been made known anyway.  I've learned that there are some who think we are so wrong that they refuse to believe anything else--and I can't change that.  No matter how hard the decisions we made were (and are) for us, there are some who just don't seem to believe us when we say they are the best for everyone.  There are some who haven't respected our privacy and have been blatant about it.  And it hurts.

We are not without pain.  When you act out because you don't like a personal decision, it stings.  When you quickly turn away when you walk by us in church, we notice.  When you go from liking everything I've ever posted on Instagram to no longer liking a thing, you've made your point.  It is okay if you don't understand--it wasn't something we ever expected, and it is hard to grasp.  If we'd known this would be the outcome, I don't know if we would've been obedient from the start.

Life isn't always something that can be tied up in a pretty box, and I'm sorry that our mess has flooded over into your lives.  We didn't want this.  But we know without a shadow of a doubt that it is what is right for everyone involved.

I didn't fully understand how hard it could be to walk into a church until recently.  Now I know.  Not every face is smiling and welcoming.  Not every face loves you no matter what.  And that's going to have to be okay, I guess, because we are still welcome in God's eyes.  So, I will fight the anxiety and fear that I now face every time I enter the building.  I will lean on God and trust that He will continue carrying me.

He is my Rock, my Refuge and Strength.  He is Trustworthy and True.  He is Light in the darkness.  He is Merciful, Forgiving, Gracious and Good.  And He welcomes me with open arms.  That is enough for me.