Obedience

This is something I wrote a year and a half ago but never felt the freedom to publish.  However, as a new year is upon us, I feel like I need to let this be out there in order to continue moving forward....

Back in June (I know, I still never write), our family went to Family Camp.  It was a week full of firsts for the kids, and they had a blast as they tried new things.

There was a moment that stood out to me and continues to stand out to me.  It was the day of the high ropes course.  E, J, and I decided to do the Pole.  If you're not familiar with the Pole, it's basically a telephone pole 30-40 feet in the air that you climb and then stand on to jump to a trapeze.  Some say it's the hardest of the high ropes activities because of the mental game it plays with you when you are standing on it.  Time and again as I've seen people climb it, the hardest part is jumping off.

The day we were doing high ropes, we had some rain.  It caused the grips to be harder to hold onto and added more of a mind game as we now had rain falling on us on and off.  Josh went first, and he climbed it, stood, and then didn't want to jump.  The fear was in the jump.  But he did it in time.  Emily went next, and she quickly made it up as well.  She hesitated briefly before standing but was able to do so fairly soon after getting up there.  Because this was her third time up the pole (twice at the Mother/Daughter retreat in the spring), her delay wasn't as significant, but it was still the jump that caused her to hesitate.

Then came my turn.  I was having an incredibly difficult week, and by the time it was my turn, I didn't want to go but knew I had to because I'd said I would.  With rain again coming down, I climbed.  Each step upwards, I seemed to hit my knees or lose my grip, but I made it to the top without too much of a problem.  It took a minute to figure out how to get my body on the top of the pole, but I made it up.  And then, the weight of the world seemed to descend upon me.  I wasn't scared of standing or jumping, though that is hard.  I literally could not do it.  My body felt like it had 500 pounds coming down on me, and the pain of 2+ years of trying and failing fell over me.  I do not like crying in public, but I suddenly couldn't stop.  For all of the mountain to hear, I sobbed and declared that life had me overcome.

I had to have stayed up there for 15 minutes or more trying to make my body work, crying, and being prayed over, but I knew in that moment that I couldn't do it.  Though I had fought my way up the pole and onto the platform, I could not stand on my own two feet.  No matter how I moved or maneuvered, my strength was gone, and I could not stand.  My job instead was to slide off and leave it for someone else.

I felt like such a failure, but as the day went on, I saw the Lord giving me a picture of my life.

For almost 2 and a half years, our family has climbed.  We have been bruised.  We have been rained on.  And we have been sitting on top of the platform unable to stand.  We have asked God to change us.  We have asked Him to help us.  

Sometimes the answer is no. 

Sometimes you have to slide off and leave it for someone else.  And in that, you might feel like a failure.   You might be judged because you couldn't make it.  You might hurt because of the bruises you got along the way and the pain you feel from sliding off instead of finishing the task.  But sometimes the task isn't yours to finish. 

Reading this even now, I know this still to be true.  The emotions are less forefront, but I know that God's plan doesn't always look like we imagined.  Sometimes the yes in the obedience changes as time goes on.  That doesn't mean the obedience changes--but the thing He has called you to might. 

As we enter 2017, my hope is that I will obey God even when it doesn't make sense, that I will obey Him even when others around don't understand.  Let His best for my life be what I pursue.

How Did This Happen?!

2 weeks from today, this girl turns 13.  THIRTEEN.  How in the world did this happen?  I have a child who is about to be a teenager.  She is 5 years away from being a senior, and I am having a little bit of a freak out feeling creeping in.  Don't get me wrong, I love watching E and J as they grow and develop into these amazing people--it's just sometimes the fact of the impending "release" gets to me.

Right now we are smack in the middle of middle school and all of the usual highs and lows that go with it.  We are all learning to balance school, sports, music, homework, girl drama, occasional boy drama as well, church, responsibilities, etc.  It is a crazy time, but it is fun to see, too.  E is a pretty fun girl to be around (well, most of the time 😉), and I'm grateful I get to be her mom.

I know that I'm going to blink and it'll be Josh turning 13, so I intend to live in the here and now and enjoy it as much as possible.  But I'm sure you'll forgive me if you see me hiding in a corner crying on the 15th as the truth of TEEN sinks in.... 😄

Thank YOU

2015 is coming to an end.  Christmas is over.  We are starting to think about getting back into the routine next week.  I'm not sure I'm ready for routine again (have I told you before how much I LOVE to sleep in?!), but I am ready for a new calendar year.  I know that switching from the 31st to the 1st doesn't really change much, but sometimes you face a hard year (or series of years), and that calendar change can bring with it some added hope and promise.

2015 will long be remembered in our family as the year we had to make a decision we never expected, a year where we changed the trajectory of our family, and a year where we learned to cling to the Lord and to those who He used to carry us in ways we hadn't before.  With the unimaginable has come beauty, too.  So, though I am ready for the "new," I am thankful for the old.

One of my favorite things I've seen Him do this year is use completely unexpected people to comfort and bless us.  For months now, a friend who I don't know all that well has texted every so often just to check in and say something kind.  Another friend, who is facing his own share of personal stress and grief, has sent messages to Jeff and me just to say he's thinking of us and is here for us.  Two others who are friends from years ago sent messages at Christmas time just to say they were praying for us and that we were on their hearts.

I have seen my friends be my protectors in situations they knew were difficult for me.

I have opened envelopes to receive gift cards just because someone decided to bless us.

I have experienced the power of prayer yet again as people have lifted us up to the Lord.

I have seen the Body of Christ rally and choose to love us even when they don't understand.

It hasn't been all roses, as I've pointed out before.  We've had our share of heartache and pain, but I want to remember the whole picture as best as I can.  And the whole picture includes many beautiful people who have been Jesus to us.  So, thank you.  Thank you for carrying us through 2015.  In part because of you, we are not limping across the finish line.  We are still running.  We have our days where we stumble and fall and think we won't make it, but YOU are making it so much more manageable. 

Please don't ever think your text or call or smile or hug to someone doesn't matter.  I have seen God use those repeatedly this year, and they matter more than you know.  Thank you.  Keep being Jesus to those around you.  Even if they're hurting too much to say thank you, it is making a difference.  I, for one, have experienced it firsthand, and I am forever grateful.

Twelve!

I don't know how it happened, but I now have a twelve year old.  Emily Grace entered the world a little before midnight on December 15, 2003.  And now here we are, twelve years later, maneuvering the preteen world of middle school.  It happened in a blink--but what a great blink it's been!

Now that Emily is in middle school, her birthday is right in the middle of end of quarter exams.  She had to take a math test on her big day--however, she topped that off with a 100, so I guess it turned out okay. :)

Her day started with balloons on the wall in the shape of "12" (at least they're supposed to be).

 She then was surprised by special birthday donuts (as well as cards/gifts from a few family members):

She headed to school wearing one of her favorite outfits:

 After school, we went to dinner, and Emily got to sit on the saddle:

And we finished the night with yummy cookie cake:

We're going to Great Wolf Lodge over the break for her birthday, so that will be her gift/party.

Emily, I am so thankful for you and the special bond we share.  You are a handful, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love watching you in your many activities (soccer, basketball, piano, and band to name a few), and I love how you are a leader both on and off the field and in the classroom.  You are full of life; you are beautiful; you are a blessing to me.  I'm so thankful for your love for Jesus and for people, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you next.  Happy birthday, dear E!  Love you more.

Recital Time

Last night was Emily and Josh's fall piano recital.  Emily has been in piano for 2.5 years now, but Josh just started piano in June, so this was his first recital.  After Tuesday's rehearsal, he had declared that he didn't want to do piano and didn't want to do the recital, so I wasn't sure how it was going to go.  I tried to keep it low key with him the rest of the week, and we just kept telling them that they were playing to glorify God and to have fun.

Both kiddos were nervous last night, but they kept it under control pretty well.  Emily had a friend come to watch her (and then spend the night), and Josh has several friends his age who were also in the recital, so I think that helped them both.

They played 5th and 10th of the 11 who chose to perform this semester, and they both did great!  It is such a joy for me to see them learning to play a beautiful instrument, and I am so proud of them for overcoming their fears and stepping on that stage--and the recital was in the worship center this time instead of the chapel, so it really was a big stage in a big room!

Thank you, Daniel, for teaching my children how to play piano, and thank you, E and J, for using what you're learning to bring joy to others.

Thankful

Apparently my ability to blog on a consistent basis has not returned. ;)  It has been over a month since I last wrote.  Part of that stemmed from a need to be quiet for a little bit after my last post, and part of that simply stemmed from life being life and me not taking the time to write.

In the past month, we've had Halloween and Thanksgiving, a broken finger (Josh), a soccer tournament (Emily), DiscipleNow (also Emily) and plenty of regular life in the mix.  We've also continued in our healing.  As I shared precious time with a beloved friend today, I was extremely aware of just how much healing has taken place in four months.  Don't get me wrong, there are days and moments that are still difficult and worrisome, but the peace that is present is more than I could have asked for or imagined.

When I got home this afternoon, I saw this quote posted by a friend of mine in South Africa.  I can't seem to stop rereading it.  I just love it!

I am so thankful for those who have walked this long road with us and for those who have stepped in at various spots along the way.  We have some really great people who love us well, and as we ascend from the valley, we will not forget those who stuck it out with us.  We, of course, depend most of all on the Lord and the comfort He gives us, but we are so very thankful for the dear friends He has given us, too.

As we leave the Thanksgiving season behind and embark upon the Christmas season, my heart remains full of gratitude for the great things the Lord has done and continues to do.  He has given us life with Him, which is already more than enough, and yet He continues to give us so much more.  Thank You, Jesus, for restoring our souls and for drawing us to you.  You are worthy of all praise.

Messy

Many days, I feel like my life is on full display.  In the past few months, I've gone from feeling generally liked to knowing full well that people are talking about me and judging us.  I have been blocked by a couple people on Facebook; I have been unfriended and unfollowed; I have learned that information we never shared has somehow been made known anyway.  I've learned that there are some who think we are so wrong that they refuse to believe anything else--and I can't change that.  No matter how hard the decisions we made were (and are) for us, there are some who just don't seem to believe us when we say they are the best for everyone.  There are some who haven't respected our privacy and have been blatant about it.  And it hurts.

We are not without pain.  When you act out because you don't like a personal decision, it stings.  When you quickly turn away when you walk by us in church, we notice.  When you go from liking everything I've ever posted on Instagram to no longer liking a thing, you've made your point.  It is okay if you don't understand--it wasn't something we ever expected, and it is hard to grasp.  If we'd known this would be the outcome, I don't know if we would've been obedient from the start.

Life isn't always something that can be tied up in a pretty box, and I'm sorry that our mess has flooded over into your lives.  We didn't want this.  But we know without a shadow of a doubt that it is what is right for everyone involved.

I didn't fully understand how hard it could be to walk into a church until recently.  Now I know.  Not every face is smiling and welcoming.  Not every face loves you no matter what.  And that's going to have to be okay, I guess, because we are still welcome in God's eyes.  So, I will fight the anxiety and fear that I now face every time I enter the building.  I will lean on God and trust that He will continue carrying me.

He is my Rock, my Refuge and Strength.  He is Trustworthy and True.  He is Light in the darkness.  He is Merciful, Forgiving, Gracious and Good.  And He welcomes me with open arms.  That is enough for me.